Jeremy L. Berg

On this week of my 30th birthday I am sharing some personal journal entries that provide a window into the trials and triumphs I faced during the decade of my tumultuous 20s.  

The following entry is from an email I sent to a friend while in San Diego that reveals my personal struggle with insecurities and future uncertainty over how I will use my Bible degrees to make a living.  

October 9, 2002

I am constantly wondering if or how I will ever apply my head knowledge.  If found myself trying to force myself into some sort of ministry position in order to ease my own conscience.  I have talked myself into thinking that just pursuing school alone is a bad thing… I almost took a leadership position in a church down here in San Diego when I really didn’t have the desire and my heart wasn’t in it.  You see, my heart is in my studies right now.  And I think that this passion for learning may be a rarity.  

Most people in seminary classes seem very excited and ready to “get busy” in the ministry and serving God and the Kingdom; and seminary is more of a hoop to jump through and more of a distraction from their ministry.  My heart is in my studies and theirs is in their ministry.  On the front end, I look like a selfish student in comparison to those faithful saints who are serving God.  But, I think this is a mistaken conclusion to make.  

God has gifted us all for different roles in the Body of Christ: some to be teachers and some pastors, etc.  I think that God has always raised up for the Body great minds and thinkers to rightly divide the Word of God and to put forth sound doctrine to build our ministries upon.  So, without boring you with an entire thesis, I will end by proposing the following question: Am I gifted with such a calling of using to use my mind for God’s glory?  The problem is that I am living in constant doubt of my capabilities and feel 2 inches tall when surrounded by all my books written by the “giants” of Christian theology.  Huh, imagine me feeling short!  

So, I am just as confused as when I left St. Paul about what my niche will be in this game we call life.  Right now, my deepest longing and most fulfilling activity is to dive deeper into the waters of scholarly learning and to somehow surface with a deeper  and richer understanding of God, Christ, life, the present world and the world to come.  A life long learner I will be if only I can find a way to make a living out of it.  You see, I really want to succeed in academics and someday be like Dr. Holmes.  I just hope I am not dreaming a dream that cannot come true.  Those professors have to be smart you know…and I’m just me.