Weighty Thoughts: On Depression

Second Sunday after Pentecost:

Psalm 139:1-3, 13, 17-18

“O LORD, you have searched me and known me.You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways… For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. … How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you. Psalm 139:1-3, 13, 17-18

This week a PGA professional golfer Grayson Murray was found dead in his home by suicide at the age of 30. He had battled depression and anxiety for years, being quite open and honest about his struggles publicly.

“I struggle with comparing myself to others, self-esteem,” Murray said in an interview. “There’s a lot of issues that — I call them issues. I think they’re common issues that we all endure. I got tired of trying to fight it alone, and I asked for help one day, and that’s when my life changed.”

Sadly, despite his attempts to surround himself with support and face his struggles head on, Grayson ended his life in a moment of desperation and what had to be unimaginable emotional anguish.

I have also been quite open about my recurring bouts with depression and anxiety as a pastor. I call it “the funk” or the “dark cloud” that occasionally settles over my thoughts and emotions, blocking out the light and leaving me in the shadows. Sometimes the cloud turns into a raging storm of negative self-talk and a tornado of twisted thoughts and emotions.

I am a naturally “heady” guy who makes a living thinking and writing heavy thoughts. My thoughts are my primary guidance system, my anchor to reality and vehicle into truth and meaning and purpose and joy, so when my thought-life enters into these occasional dark passing clouds, I can spiral into a dismal place.

What I’m trying to say is that our thoughts matter. Deceptive thoughts lead us deeper into darkness and despair and captivity to the Father of Lies and Enemy of our soul. True thoughts lead us out of darkness and despair and set us free from negative self-talk, toxic narratives and the lies of the Enemy. “The truth will set you free,” Jesus promised. Elsewhere he says, “The Enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I have come to give you life—life to the full” (John 10:10). That “fullness” includes a life full of truth-full, hope-full and loving thoughts.

A key question is: How much weight will we give to our shifting thoughts about ourselves compared to how much weight we give to God’s thoughts about us? This gets us to a beloved Psalm from this week’s lectionary—Psalm 139. Each line of this psalm is worthy of reflection and a sermon, but today I want to draw our attention to verses 17 and 18:

“How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you” (NRSV).

The psalmist marvels at God’s thoughts toward him, and declares them “weighty” in the NRSV translation. Other translations have “precious” thoughts. Both invite us to turn down the volume on our own fluctuating thoughts about ourselves, and turn up the volume on, or give greater “weight” to, God’s thoughts about us!

The psalmist here seems to be in a sunny mood, not oppressed by the dark cloud of self-pity or self-loathing. But what if he actually was “in a funk” and was fighting to push back the storm as he penned this divinely inspired word? What if our greatest weapon against the Enemy when his lies invade our thoughts is to turn our thoughts toward God’s thoughts toward us? “How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God,” he says, not my own misleading and stormy thoughts of this passing moment.

Whenever we pass through the cloud of depression, we need help from God and others in discerning which thoughts we will give weight to, and which thoughts we will cast aside as untrue and unhelpful. The psalmist here is doing what Paul urges us to do: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).

The psalmist celebrates not only how precious and weighty are God’s thoughts; he marvels at the “vast sum” of them. Depression is often accompanied with both a real and imagined sense of isolation and abandonment. Even around people one feels alone in the mire and muck of despair. Then we often withdraw from people and activity in these seasons, because we feel like we have nothing to offer. We are tired, moody, empty and quite frankly pretty miserable company to be around.

But when we withdraw from others, we find ourselves alone in a dark cave with all those dark and misleading thoughts echoing about us. The most sinister thought of all is that even God doesn’t want to be around us when we’re in this place.

Combatting this lie is the truth in this psalm that celebrates that even when we feel completely alone under the cloud, God is thinking about us—constantly, lovingly, patiently, compassionately. When a young couple first falls in love, they can’t stop thinking about each other. Night and day, rain or shine, at work, during school, or in the car—“How vast the sum of them! I try to count them—they are more than the sand!”

God’s love and attentiveness to our soul’s deep ache and joyful longing is that persistent and consistent. We are not forgotten. Not abandoned. Not invisible. God is the Lover of our soul and his thoughts toward us are more numerous than the sand on every beach of every ocean.

When I think I’m unlovable, God is thinking loving thoughts toward me.

When I think I’m broken beyond repair, God is thinking about my restoration.

When I think my sin is too grave or unforgivable, God is thinking about my unsurpassable worth that made me worth dying for.

When I think I’m trapped with no way out, God is thinking about and planning my liberation.

When I think I’m poor company that no one wants to be around, God is thinking about his promise to never leave me nor forsake me.

When I think the darkness will never lift, God is thinking about the bright sunshine just around the corner.

By giving proper “weight” to these biblical truths, and by letting our misleading thoughts be blown away like chaff in the wind, we can find our way through the dark cloud of depression and back into the sunshine of God’s love and truth.

The final phrase in verse 18 is interesting. The NRSV says, “I come to the end—I am still with you” (NRSV). The NIV has “When I awake, I am still with you.” I like the NIRV that says, “If I were to fall asleep counting [God’s thoughts toward me] and then wake up, you would still be there with me.”

The truth to relish here is that God is not just thinking about us from afar—somewhere up in Heaven sending “thoughts and prayers” while far removed from our wilderness of despair. God’s thoughts are with us, but also His very presence surrounds us even, or especially, when we go through the valley of the shadow of death. “I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

So, I’m back to thinking about all those who have ever thought about, attempted, or succeeded in taking their own life while trying to push back the dark cloud of depression and anxiety. I’m thinking about this professional golfer, and the high school student in our town, and my beloved cousin—all taken by the cloud.

I’m lamenting all the times we give more weight to our dark thoughts and the lies of the Enemy than we give to God’s loving thoughts toward us. I am going to try to remember this and return to Psalm 139 the next time the dark cloud settles over my thought-life, and I hope you will do the same.

You see there is another cloud we can enter into and hear the weighty thoughts of God speaking directly to our soul: “Then a cloud appeared and covered them, and a voice came from the cloud: “This is my Son, whom I love” (Mark‬ ‭9‬:‭7‬ ‭NIV)!

This all reminds me of the Hymn “His Eye is on the Sparrow” and I leave you to ponder and sing it to your soul:

Why should I feel discouraged

Why should the shadows come

Why should my heart feel lonely

And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion

A constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches over me

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me

I sing because I’m happy